Top 5 things to plan for before they happen
Ok podience, I know I don’t need to tell you because you are incredibly worldly people with high iQ’s, listening to a silly podcast, but you should probably pass along this small bit of info…My #1 thing to plan for before they happen is STD’s. If you are about to reach the moment of no return with…the intercourse…you should take steps to ensure that your man or woman of the evening does not provide you with an unwanted gift. These steps might include putting the brakes on entirely and watching a delightful rom-com as your glorious man of choice screams into a pillow.
Another option would be to take certain “precautions” that you can find quickly and easily at any roadside gas station bathroom for $.75 to a $1.00, and he’ll be well on HIS way to having a wonderful evening.
Word of advice: be sure to tell her that you got it out of a vending machine because it’s like 10x more expensive than buying in bulk. You may want to get two because she’ll be probably be impressed enough for a second go.
Now, #2 here you’re going to say…”well, that Ky. Slim guy is just a boring stick in the mud” so I’ll try to make it a bit more exciting…People On The Internet!!…prepare for your death! …with a retirement plan. And now I know what else you’re going to say. You’re going to say “but I can’t. I’m poor!” To which I will reply…I didn’t say it had to be a luxurious retirement. In fact, your retirement could start tomorrow as long as you’re prepared to know when you’ll actually die and how much of a burden you will be on your remaining family. So plan ahead kids. The quality of your autumn years, your funeral, and the level at which people will remember you depends on it!
Data Corruption/Hard Drive failure –
So, there is no way in hell that you haven’t already experienced this. Sometimes it’s just a simple file that doesn’t like the way you compressed and decompressed it. Other times, it’s armageddon. Total meltdown of entire decades of music and photo collecting. All down the digital toilet. Saul’s bar-mitzvah in 1987 when his weird uncle secretly got him a lady of the evening and he wound up with herpes;….the look on Andrea’s face in 1995, during the summer of menstruation, after seeing her first tampon and being told what to do with it…awkward family moments that you’ll never forget, but you’d hate to lose the photos…actually those photos probably wouldn’t hurt to lose, but you get what I’m saying. Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls,…take the time to back up your data. With today’s free options on the cloud, the affordability of flash memory and external storage, there is no excuse to not be prepared. You just have to take the first step.
Feedback Loops –
What is a feedback loop you ask? It is a circuit (in the situation I’m referring to, an audio circuit) that feeds back some of the output (speaker) to the input (microphone).
As someone who used to regularly be in this situation, I can tell you that feedback loops are nothing to play around with. You could lose your hearing (temporarily), your vision could fail (not really), it could even cause death (completely false) But over time and repeated exposure it could make your retirement a horrible experience. Not so much for you, but for everyone that has to listen you screaming all the time. Do the rest of us all a favor…wear some earplugs, ball up some cotton, …hell, use your fingers. Just protect those drums or the rest of us suffer.
Alien Invasion –
Tricky one. There is no such thing as a peaceful alien invasion. I don’t want to seem too casual about such a thing.
Arthur C. Clarke once wrote “I can never look now at the Milky Way without wondering from which of those banked clouds of stars the emissaries are coming. If you will pardon so commonplace a simile, we have set off the fire alarm and have nothing to do but to wait. I do not think we will have to wait for long.”
He was right you know. We really have no concrete way to prepare because we have no way of knowing what to prepare for. Or do we?
How do you prepare for something that you’ve never seen? Nor do you know when it’s coming, or why it hates you. Perhaps it’s something that we’re wearing that offends them. I really wish someone had thought to tell me that I was wearing a lady’s top that one night…Either way, one thing is absolutely certain. We will be amazed and likely terrified as our dog gets vaporized. When this does happen, try to remain calm. Gather your family and friends into a safe location where you can make an orderly….and efficient….surrender.
Let’s face the music. I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to bite it on this one. Look to our history yada yada yada – advanced cultures dominating and destroying less advanced cultures yada yada yada. It’s bad. The absolute best we can hope for from a situation involving an alien usurper is that we surrender, they allow us to live as sex slaves and we give them STD’s, weakening their immune systems enough to overthrow them. So, do your part Johnny and Jane. Throw that rom-com away and get to work!!!