Okay, so, the Repeater found this old ad for superhero action figures (they’re not dolls! Although one could make the case that these, indeed are dolls.) It actually clears something up for me, why one of the Repeater’s many catch phrases is “Dave, I don’t understand superheroes.” As the Tower’s resident comic authority, it falls to me to answer such comments, but, to date, I’ve been unable to make any headway. At first, I just chalked it up to “Well, that’s The Repeater for you!” but once I saw this, I realized that there was more going on than at first met the eye. If this was one of the only introductions the li’l Repeater had (and remember, kids, this was pre-Internet), no wonder he was lost, especially if he didn’t have access to the comic books.
So, first, here’s the video. I’ll comment after you watch it….
Now, here’s my rebuttal:
Let’s see – where to start?
• Aquaman – because undersea crime is rampant (although, with stuff like the BP spill, maybe they were on to something?)
• Um, excuuuse me – his name isn’t “Shazam,” it’s “Captain Marvel,” thankyouverymuch.
• That Iron Man is frightening – with the “human” mask.
• Spider man is the “weird wall-cralwer?” Watch who you’re callin’ weird, bub.
• The “Super Gals?” They fight crime, only in high-heels – let’s see the guy heroes do that.
• Green Arrow isn’t from the forest. He owns Queen Industries. He could OWN the damn forest, bitch!
• Not even gonna comment on the Falcon. Not. Even. Gonna. Comment.
• The Human Torch, while fast, sure, is NOT faster than the speed of light. Neither is your typical campfire. Fire doesn’t work that way.
• The Thing might be the worst doll of all time. He’s not bigger than any of the others (he’s just wearing a rock unitard), and his body isn’t even orange! It’s like one of the others just put on a Thing mask.
• Mister Fantastic does not have the powers of invisibility. He can stretch, but that doesn’t really work here, unless they paint a Stretch Armstrong doll. And what’s up with the hair of the Invisible Girl (now Woman). Super frizzies!
• Has Conan been sick? Looks like he’s lost a LOT of muscle mass.
• Thor also looks sick. And he caught the Invisible Girl’s frizzies.
I hope this helps to clear things up, Ben. I fear it’s three decades too late, but I tried.